Hmm a week and a half of this sleeping pattern. I can actually tell you the exact times i wake up in the morning and when i fall back asleep then wake up again. Well not exactly but definitely close enough. 4 something, then fall back asleep around 5something.. then wake back up at 9something and if i get lucky fall back asleep and wake up at 11 something.. but usually i am up at 9 and that is it for the rest of the day. Even if I try to go back to sleep it doesn't work or at least not long... I do have interrupted times where i will wake up repeatedly during the night much more than this. Overall it is quite the same thing everyday with a night or two that is waking up more than usual.

I know its been a stressful last few months but I thought I was getting better.. I know a lot of the dreams I am waking from around 9 are nightmares.. mostly chaotic crazy things and some of them have people i know in them which is unusual because I don't usually have dreams about people I know and when I do usually means something is up.

Not trying to sound crazy.. just happens that way.. It could be something I am feeling about them or something is wrong in their lives. Except if it's people that have passed on already then I'm not really sure what that is about..

I know the pain of losing my father last november a week before my birthday has taken it's toll. I have been seeing a counsellor because the sadness and anger are just too much to bear and I have been pretty negative but I was starting to think that things were getting better but I suppose I have to ride out the emotions a little longer.

My mother had passed away when I was 11 of lung cancer and brain tumors. I was starting to get to the point of coping but then my father was diagnosed with liver cancer and then he passed away.

It has been rough but I know eventually I will be able to cope and carry on with my life back to normal. There are so many things I want to do with my life I just don't know where to start. It's going to be a rough battle but I know that I am not suicidal. I have gone that path before and its even darker then the current path I am on.

I just have too much to live for and it's just an easy way out without dealing and coping with the stress and the problems. I know it's not easy to face things but we all have to triumph over our inner demons, our problems and figure out ways to live our lives to the fullest even when the times are at their darkest because as long as we are alive there is always hope of a better tomorrow, a day of joy, a day to be surrounded by the ones we love even if there are so few... especially if there are so few because they are people that matter in your lives and you must cherish them as much as you wish to be cherished.

I know this is a bit on the down side for a new year's eve post but at this moment I feel I need to write this, I am compelled to share it because in the New Year I am making it a lifelong goal to live every day like it is my last no matter the circumstances and to enjoy and revel in the light of friendship, those people who are like family to me and are my family. To get over this hurdle, even if I fail a few times in the process, As long as I keep trying and keep realizing anything that I can to figure out ways to cope with the things that I haven't been coping with as well there is always the next and the next day.

I cannot live in regret and sorrow no longer. I cannot let myself just ride out the emotions, I need to figure what triggers these bouts of sadness and find ways to cope with them.

yep, Too long....

Yeah, things have been weird lately. November.. Starting to be a none favourite now. Even though my birthday falls on it. It's just such a depressing month lately. I cannot wait till it is over and for school to be over so i can just relax for a little bit, possibly figure things out a bit!

In lieue of a limbo

Settling into a limbo between slep and awake I sit here at the computer bleary eyed and sleepy but yet awake.... I am seriously debating between falling asleep, doing some crafts or doing some exercise.... The latter of the three entice me more but sleep is a commodity not usually gained around the house either because I have things to do out and about or I have 2 cats who paw and meow at me to pay attention to you... you would almost think that they are attention starved or something.... I do know that both of them refuse to drink out of their bowls and will knock just about any cup in search of water... they have yet to do this today but I am sure that they might if I leave one around where they can get to... Cats! :D
Gotta love them, but also got to get really annoyed somedays with them but overall I suppose that is a balancing act most pet owners must be preoccupied with these days.
Last night my boyfriend and I did dishes together... I mean to say that we have had to do the dishes last night as the dishwasher is broken.... Probably the longest conversation we have held in quite some time. It was nice, it was rewarding... It was also refreshing to say the least....

Bleh, I have no idea why I am not so energetic lately.... I know it does have to do with the odd sleeping patterns lately but I don't know why I am sleeping so oddly either... I suppose I have been restless and at unease lately...Oh well... I suppose that in time once I figure out what I am doing with my life I will be less and less like that...

So glad to just blog away here today. I know it has been quite some time but I am not even using my own computer anymore and have to borrow time from my boyfriend just so that I can log on here.... I suppose I better hop to it though so that I can get some wii fit in! :D
Maybe if I am still tired after my routine exercise and about an hour more then maybe I can just go back to bed for a little while.

I will try not to leave too much space between the times that I write but I cannot promise anything as sometimes it just isn't always plausible....

Well until next time! Have a great day!

I miss alot of things in life right now. I miss the good old days of happiness and smiles, carefree days when I didn't have this pile of shit on my plate... I miss the comfort of a family as a whole... I miss being me... the real me, not this unhappy, hate my job, getting to the point that I almost hate everything me... that I am slowly becoming... This world takes all that is good and twists it into something that we begin to hate... There's not much to do anymore... unless you want to drink away your cares forever until the day you die. I don't want that... I don't want to be sad all the time and drowning it in alcohol or drugs... I remembered those days and they were okay but there was always reality at the edge of that haze. Alot of life missed because I was too high or drunk to really remember anything... To truly feel life.. Even as shitty as it can be... but a soft rain, even the smell after it rained... The vibrant flowers and all their fragrant smells... These are but a few cherishable moments... along with the family trip out west that I remember much of and hope I always do... They make me want to go back out west again.. Those were the days I cherished most, when this family was a whole. There will always be many things I miss but I guess I should not let this be the centre of my mind... I must learn to live, to let go and to become my own again... I am searching, yearning for some meaning, some reason to feel whole again and I know that as much as I try I will never find it with other people, never find it without but within myself... As much as the people that I surround myself with mean to me.. I sometimes wonder who it is that I really am anymore. I just feel I am not whole... not alive just here.. What am I here for? What are any of us here for? I don't understand all the anger and pain and frustration that this world has to only to offer... I don't think people realize that we have to stop this chain of thoughts that drive the world into chaos... We need to centre ourselves before we can even begin to try and centre this world out... If it can be centred at all. Days of young, the youth, they have it right when they laugh and play like there is nothing wrong in the world... Why has it been tainted now? You don't see much of that anymore... It's just seems the world is turning yet everyone's already dead inside before anything really begins... I am but one woman... what purpose in life does that create? I think I have decided not to bring any children into this world but if by an act I do have one I know I will care for my child and hope that it is happy and healthy but all in all when I am ready to have a child I would much rather adopt... I have my reasons for this... As much as childbearing and bringing up a child in this world would mean to me as a woman I'm just not sure if I could bring one into the world when there are so many children lost and without families in this world who need to be brought up in a loving home. For now I am young.. For now I will try to search this soul of mine and seek out my own truths.. I am but a lost child... I have been brought up by a great family and maybe that is why I am feeling so lost right now because that family is but a half of what it was.. I guess for now I leave on my search of myself... Till next time.

The darkness I surrender to, this bliss of sweet nothings. Chaos meets thy beauty, bodies entwine, the music pounds our very bodies through to the core. I am young again in it's transient melodies that bounce off the empty halls of our reverie. May the night be always so that we can dance forever and never have to face the realities without these walls.

Why can't I just be me? Why can't I just be free to be whom that I truly am? This person I show now is but a small fragment of the whole picture that you see. Like everyone that surrounds me we all are multi-faceted but only show a small portion of who we are because we are afraid of society's limits and expectations that we forget that we should just be ourselves instead of letting the chains that bind us not to our own wills can be easily shaken off if only we can find the strength within ourselves to shed the chains of self doubt and insecurities and let the people that we really are shine through.

Till then we will always be stuck in the rut of this cycle that forver spins outta control.. I wish to take control of my life now... For now though I shall have to wait to be set free.....

Just something flittering on my mind right now.

Originally wrote this awhile back.. I feel the darkness silently creeping in, the changes within coming on. Shall I release my inner self to the world that surrounds me, that closes in even as it opens up to me in newer ways that I never thought possible, swirling and twirling, so many desires, so many truths to be found in this life. I'm not sure which path to take yet as I stand here at the crossroads, lost yet found for my heart feels lighter even when everything feels so surreal and strange in this realm of whatever. Maybe it is better to be on the road to searching oneself's inner desires and banishing the inner demons that try to take control then just living the lie of standing still not searching within of what I truly want to do with my life for now that I am actively searching these things that I never really gave true thoughts about I have felt the veil lifted and the weights being released. Yet in a way I feel bound yet again. It just doesn't make any sense to me, this world, this life... not yet anyway.

The emptiness in my soul creates a wider void each day I don't find my way in this confusing vortex called life. It is strange waking up each day without a true sense of purpose or cause to your own awakening. I'm feeling lost, at at stalemate with my own emotions and thoughts that I wish to break free but cannot seem to get a handle on just yet.

I am loved, I know I am loved but this sense of self is driving me to not believe in anything anymore. What once was good and great now feels old and stagnant. Maybe I need to try a refresher by trying to make a creative force that will dampen my resolve and get me back into the niche that I need to be in. Well if that doesn't work then maybe I may really need some help to get this life of mine back on track.

Anyhow I think soon again I am going to go back to bed for awhile... I don't believe I am thinking straight at this moment in time... maybe later there will be more of an awakeness to delve more into these thoughts and align them better.

Yes I know, I am not on here very often giving out updates and stuff. Work has been hectic and my health hasn't been the greatest and low and behold I am the most awful person for procrastinating about calling the doctors... Hard to trust doctors... That's all I can really say on that one without turning this into some bitchy rant or other maybe worse things.. Right now I cannot afford to be without one because apparently its hard to get a family doctor now since they already have way too many patients and what not.. Though I find the walk-in clinic more efficient in some ways. Nurse practitioners even more so.

I'm amazed at how hard it seems to get any kind of medical attention these days. I've heard on the radio about places here in Canada that it's so bad that people are calling 9-1-1 while in the emerge just to seek the attention they really need for themselves.

Unless this weird cycle of odd sleep patterns and even weirder aches and pains gets critical I will stay away from the hospitals... I don't need to get any sicker right now.

As for work. I haven't told them I haven't been feeling the best... I mean this place, they will really send you home if you're sick and that is the first job I've ever had where they do that... Most of my older jobs, they forced... well definitly not really but they really hated it when you were sick and would complain/crap you out because they were that upset about it.

On another totally different note... I've been playing with my new phone lots and getting all these interesting free podcasts to listen to on it as well for now. I'm really excited to get into listening more.

Lately I just want to listen... I don't want to talk... I mean to the point that sometimes I wished I was mute so it would give me a reason not to talk and then there are other moments where I just get really excited and too uberly bubbly which is maybe one reason I get feeling sick... If I get too overly excited I can make myself sick.

But I think really deep down inside I am very sad lately...depressed as you would say it... not the really dark deep depression that I want to kill myself so don't worry about that. I just feel more attracted to some of the darker songs, different than my normal bouncy songs I usually listen to.

So for now I am trying to sort out my life which sometimes feels like finding all the pins in the haystack so things can be straigtened out again... other times it feels like putting a really difficult puzzle together that you don't know what the big picture is...all because you want to see what the big picture really is.

At least for now I've got all this sorting and rearranging of the house to figure out to keep my mind so very preoccupied.. Eventually renovating my crafty office space as I think I shall call it... Penny's Crafty Office....yeah that sounds good to me :D

Oh yeah and a very happy new year to you!