WIDE AWAKE BLOGGER

I miss alot of things in life right now. I miss the good old days of happiness and smiles, carefree days when I didn't have this pile of shit on my plate... I miss the comfort of a family as a whole... I miss being me... the real me, not this unhappy, hate my job, getting to the point that I almost hate everything me... that I am slowly becoming... This world takes all that is good and twists it into something that we begin to hate... There's not much to do anymore... unless you want to drink away your cares forever until the day you die. I don't want that... I don't want to be sad all the time and drowning it in alcohol or drugs... I remembered those days and they were okay but there was always reality at the edge of that haze. Alot of life missed because I was too high or drunk to really remember anything... To truly feel life.. Even as shitty as it can be... but a soft rain, even the smell after it rained... The vibrant flowers and all their fragrant smells... These are but a few cherishable moments... along with the family trip out west that I remember much of and hope I always do... They make me want to go back out west again.. Those were the days I cherished most, when this family was a whole. There will always be many things I miss but I guess I should not let this be the centre of my mind... I must learn to live, to let go and to become my own again... I am searching, yearning for some meaning, some reason to feel whole again and I know that as much as I try I will never find it with other people, never find it without but within myself... As much as the people that I surround myself with mean to me.. I sometimes wonder who it is that I really am anymore. I just feel I am not whole... not alive just here.. What am I here for? What are any of us here for? I don't understand all the anger and pain and frustration that this world has to only to offer... I don't think people realize that we have to stop this chain of thoughts that drive the world into chaos... We need to centre ourselves before we can even begin to try and centre this world out... If it can be centred at all. Days of young, the youth, they have it right when they laugh and play like there is nothing wrong in the world... Why has it been tainted now? You don't see much of that anymore... It's just seems the world is turning yet everyone's already dead inside before anything really begins... I am but one woman... what purpose in life does that create? I think I have decided not to bring any children into this world but if by an act I do have one I know I will care for my child and hope that it is happy and healthy but all in all when I am ready to have a child I would much rather adopt... I have my reasons for this... As much as childbearing and bringing up a child in this world would mean to me as a woman I'm just not sure if I could bring one into the world when there are so many children lost and without families in this world who need to be brought up in a loving home. For now I am young.. For now I will try to search this soul of mine and seek out my own truths.. I am but a lost child... I have been brought up by a great family and maybe that is why I am feeling so lost right now because that family is but a half of what it was.. I guess for now I leave on my search of myself... Till next time.