The emptiness in my soul creates a wider void each day I don't find my way in this confusing vortex called life. It is strange waking up each day without a true sense of purpose or cause to your own awakening. I'm feeling lost, at at stalemate with my own emotions and thoughts that I wish to break free but cannot seem to get a handle on just yet.

I am loved, I know I am loved but this sense of self is driving me to not believe in anything anymore. What once was good and great now feels old and stagnant. Maybe I need to try a refresher by trying to make a creative force that will dampen my resolve and get me back into the niche that I need to be in. Well if that doesn't work then maybe I may really need some help to get this life of mine back on track.

Anyhow I think soon again I am going to go back to bed for awhile... I don't believe I am thinking straight at this moment in time... maybe later there will be more of an awakeness to delve more into these thoughts and align them better.

Yes I know, I am not on here very often giving out updates and stuff. Work has been hectic and my health hasn't been the greatest and low and behold I am the most awful person for procrastinating about calling the doctors... Hard to trust doctors... That's all I can really say on that one without turning this into some bitchy rant or other maybe worse things.. Right now I cannot afford to be without one because apparently its hard to get a family doctor now since they already have way too many patients and what not.. Though I find the walk-in clinic more efficient in some ways. Nurse practitioners even more so.

I'm amazed at how hard it seems to get any kind of medical attention these days. I've heard on the radio about places here in Canada that it's so bad that people are calling 9-1-1 while in the emerge just to seek the attention they really need for themselves.

Unless this weird cycle of odd sleep patterns and even weirder aches and pains gets critical I will stay away from the hospitals... I don't need to get any sicker right now.

As for work. I haven't told them I haven't been feeling the best... I mean this place, they will really send you home if you're sick and that is the first job I've ever had where they do that... Most of my older jobs, they forced... well definitly not really but they really hated it when you were sick and would complain/crap you out because they were that upset about it.

On another totally different note... I've been playing with my new phone lots and getting all these interesting free podcasts to listen to on it as well for now. I'm really excited to get into listening more.

Lately I just want to listen... I don't want to talk... I mean to the point that sometimes I wished I was mute so it would give me a reason not to talk and then there are other moments where I just get really excited and too uberly bubbly which is maybe one reason I get feeling sick... If I get too overly excited I can make myself sick.

But I think really deep down inside I am very sad lately...depressed as you would say it... not the really dark deep depression that I want to kill myself so don't worry about that. I just feel more attracted to some of the darker songs, different than my normal bouncy songs I usually listen to.

So for now I am trying to sort out my life which sometimes feels like finding all the pins in the haystack so things can be straigtened out again... other times it feels like putting a really difficult puzzle together that you don't know what the big picture is...all because you want to see what the big picture really is.

At least for now I've got all this sorting and rearranging of the house to figure out to keep my mind so very preoccupied.. Eventually renovating my crafty office space as I think I shall call it... Penny's Crafty Office....yeah that sounds good to me :D

Oh yeah and a very happy new year to you!